Suicide is not the answer

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Suicide among teenagers has become a normal occurrence that humanity should not ignore. It isn’t okay to make sense of the act by saying: “They suffered enough, it was their time to go. This was their choice, we must respect it.” Other reasons I have observed are that they had no where to turn and chose the only way that they could. We need to take note that: Suicide is a finality. An Ending. A person does not return from it. Their life completely ends when whatever method they choose works. There is absolutely no coming back. Teenagers need to understand that they will not respawn! Life is not a game.

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Teenagers need to understand that they will not respawn!

Life is not a game.

— Tasnim Langry

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Prevention of suicide starts early

One of the reasons I chose to write this opinion editorial is that I unfortunately came across a few obituaries of teenagers. Most people want to know how they died. Does it matter? Their parents know, that should be enough. I felt extremely saddened to see the memorial service notice of a matric pupil this week which has led to me writing this piece. I will not name any names, his smiling image in full school regalia proved he was a go-getter who had every right to achieve his goals in life.

Why he chose suicide

I don’t wish to speculate on why he chose suicide as a way out of this world. In South Africa, police may open an inquest docket in cases of suspected suicide or other unnatural deaths to establish the circumstances and determine the official cause of death. This doesn’t mean there was any wrong-doing if a person dies from say: a head injury due to a gunshot wound.

There are others like the handsome young teenage grade 12 pupil who chose suicide too this year.

For reasons they know best.

As a reporter, I have had the unfortunate experience of being assigned to interviewing parents of teenagers who committed suicide when I was a young scribe. What struck me from these experiences was that as much as the teenager chose to die on the days they choose, parts of, or much of, their surviving parents and siblings pass on with them too.

The spark goes out

Suicide leaves lasting grief and unanswered questions for families and communities. I won’t say that it is only an emotional feeling. Some people become frozen in time and don’t even realize how they wake up each day and do life. One of the interviews I recall vividly was a distraught father from Silverglen, south of Durban. He agreed to an interview. Most parents do not. I appreciated that he did not yell at me or throw a tantrum when I requested time with him at his home.

The interview or listening ear

I didn’t stick to the drivel my editor requested I write about and focused on the family that lost a child. My story was not going to be sensational. I didn’t care about being on the front page. The visibly shaken father sobbed bitterly when he said that her death was his fault. The teenager had been in matric. She was a straight-A student. Most parents from traditional homes push their children for A’s in order for them to be every top-level professional they can someday brag their children are. He said that he pushed her too hard. Instead of six A’s for an exam which was not her final one, the young lady had achieved two B’s and four A’s. Her father exchanged words with her. His last conversation with her.

Your final conversation matters

I can’t and won’t imagine what came across her mind after that conversation. She left her father with his thoughts about her results. She had made her own choice for her life. Within hours she got a hold of a gun and shot herself in the head. She did not survive. I didn’t ask the father any questions, he told me his story, I just sat in the living room and listened. My story didn’t end up near the front pages by the way. And, I didn’t care. What I did learn from this moment was that many parents never realize the impact their unfulfilled dreams have on them. What I mean is that if you are a parent and haven’t achieved a professional status through studying it doesn’t mean that you have failed in life. It doesn’t also mean that you need to push your children to fit in by being professionals.

I was born to write

I have published this sentence before. Not every child is born to be a lawyer, doctor or accountant. Some children are born to be artists, writers and fashion designers. Others, they choose to be plumbers, carpenters, electricians and roofing specialists. And to go even deeper, there are many children who just wish to give their lives to service. They choose to serve humanity. None of these career choices make a person lesser in the hierarchy of society.

Each to their own.

It is what makes their hearts happy.

Suicide prevention is empathy

Teachers, parents, friends, family, society . . . losing a person to suicide is not them making a choice to end the pain and a good reason for choosing death. People who experience suicidal thoughts may feel overwhelmed, isolated, hopeless, or unable to see alternatives — although every situation is different. Nobody hears them. And then they choose silence, because there in the silence of it all, it is the pain that has always resided with them. We really can’t tell who is suicidal.

They were always smiling

Many people have said after a suicide that the person was always so happy and that they couldn’t understand the choice. That demeanor is simply a facade. What needs to be changed is for people to normalize asking the people around them if they are truly okay. Whether they have any issues they keep under wraps. To speak about their issues even if it may seem silly.

One listening ear can save a person from suicide.

Losing people to suicide

I spent four years at college and hanging around with people from all subject matters. My friends were amazing. It so happened that we all graduated on the same day in the same hall back in 2002. Weirdly, I sat next to a friend who studied tourism. I didn’t complain. But our happiness was short-lived. As the smiling King Goodwill Zwelithini knighted my college mates one at a time, she mentioned our electrical engineering friend. We played thunee with him during breaks. He was really smart and kind. He would have graduated with us on that day. She told me that he shot himself in the head. This was a time before everyone had emails, cellphones and time to ask for contact details of anybody but their crush. I never understood what caused him to commit suicide. And still think of him when I need to share a story about studying to people who become too overwhelmed.

Enjoy people for how silly or smart they are.

Let us be kind and gentle

Let us be kind in a superficial world. Being mean is not sexy. Love people because they were chosen to be around your space. Enjoy people for how silly or smart they are. Appreciate the smaller things in life and don’t only expect people to climb the Himalayan Mountain peaks to be labeled high achieving. Sometimes the most valuable person in the world is someone who chooses to be a stay at home parent to their child to ensure they are well-rounded.

We live in a world where people are chasing pavements thinking success revolves around professional or fiscal success.

Success, the true kind, is when people think of you decades after you pass remembering how sweet and gentle you were to them when they interacted with you during a simple card game.

Put yourself in their shoes

Lastly, forget why young people die on their Facebook Memorial posts. Comments like: “Oh, so young, how did they die?” Understand that engaging on a public platform with your real name means the world can see who you are, and that you are nosy, firstly.

Secondly, it doesn’t matter how a person leaves this world. Even by suicide. The pain their families feel is enough and having to view insensitive questions just adds to their grief.

Put yourself in their shoes, meaning: “What would you do if it were your child’s face looking back at you in that funeral notice!”

Lastly

To the young man in the snow white blazer, and leadership pins . . . a head boy, a sports leader and above all else a human being, I am sorry that this world failed you. Your colleague with similar credentials in every academic way chose suicide too this year.

Both of you deserved better!

And I feel this way about every person who feels suicide is the best solution for the world to go on without them in it. That it “suicide” is the best way to achieve their peace. It is not.

Need support?
If you or someone you know is struggling, speak to a trusted adult, mental health professional, community leader, or emergency service in your area. You do not have to carry difficult thoughts alone. If you feel unheard, overwhelmed, or alone, speak to someone you trust. Difficult moments can feel endless when you are inside them, but they do change. You deserve support and a chance to be heard.

We are here for you, tell us your story!